Queen speaks to Gordon Brown ahead of General Election – we have the world exclusive transcript

In an historic world first, Brazen’s Westminster mole has managed to secure a hard copy transcript of the minuted pre-election meeting between Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II this morning.

This is what was said as it happened……honest guv.

E.R: Good morning Mr Beige.

PM: It’s Brown, Your Majesty. I have come regarding important matters of state, namely, Cameron is forcing us to call a General Election.

E.R: Cameroon? Do we still own that country? I thought the Frenchies done nicked it? And which generals are we electrocuting exactly?

PM: Err, Cameron, Your Majesty, the leader of the Tory party. Cameroon is a country in Africa where they play football rather well and do, as you so graciously pointed out, speak with a Napoleonic tongue.

E.R: Get to the point Mr Fawn. The corgies are desperate for the Royal wee and Phil wants a quick canter around Horseguards.

PM: Err, it’s Gordon Brown, Your Majesty. The Prime Minister. While your morning ‘exercise’ sounds very interesting, we do have very important matters at hand. In a nutshell, the Labour Government has to dissolve Parliament in the next two weeks and call a General Election so the ordinary people of England can decide which party should form the next Government.

E.R: Look, Mr Tan, dissolving parliament sounds a little excessive. And it’ll take an awful lot of acid to get rid of that stench they refer to as the Liberal Democrats. You should take a leaf out of Guy Fawkes’ book. Gunpowder – it’ll all be over much more quickly. I always thought there wasn’t enough room for twvo palaces in London – the Palace of Westminster clearly has to go, though you have my permission to keep Big Ben, I’ve always thought of it as Buck House’s personal alarm clock anyway.

Ordinary people? What is this unfamiliar magic of which you speak? Oh…..you mean my subjects – the great unwashed? They get to choose a Government? That’s my job isn’t it? The cheek. They’ll be wanting their own homes next. Let them eat cake, I say.

PM: Quite. But Your Majesty, the people have been deciding who will form the Government for centuries now. Women and even those granted asylum are now allowed to vote too.

We want to call an election for May 6 this year.

E.R: The last time the public got to have its say it turned into my Annus Horribilis. I don’t intend to put My Majesty through another god-awful ten minutes of that kind of indecision again. What the devil do the workers know about anything other than paying my salary? They don’t even have their own palaces for goodness sake. Give them an inch and they’ll take all my stately piles.

PM: But it’s been this way for centuries. You are now a figurehead – you don’t really have any real power any more Your Majesty. It is actually, I, Gordon Brown, who runs this great country.

E.R: No you don’t, you jumped up plastic Rob Roy. Now get of my sight before I have you guillotined in Trafalgar Square and set Phil’s army on that pathetic excuse of a heather-filled back garden you call Scotland. My great-grandfather warned me you tartan-skirted nancy-boys would start a brawl if we allowed that convict actor Gibson to make Braveheart.

PM: But Your Majesty, that is terribly uncalled for and, if you don’t mind me saying so, unethical at least and overtly racist.

E.R: Oh get back to the docks and build me a new yacht will you, or I’ll serve you to the corgis. Election? You’ll be lucky. I’m doing my hair.

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